All I can say after what I found out today, I am SO thankful I got out of my relationship with you before I was committed for the long run.
Your whole entire family can judge me all day and everyday. I already know that they are (try not to gossip so much, dear). And you know what - I expected nothing less from them.
Thank your family for showing me *exactly* the reason why I wanted to leave. They absolutely solidified my decision and I have no regret. You keep saying that this wasn't the reason and that me changing for you was the reason, but honestly? I could've dealt with that. Your family and how quickly they pass judgement, I can't deal anymore. I dealt with it for 6 years. Enough is enough.
» Happiness.
All I ever wanted for my life was to be happy. People around me have called me naive and said that I wasn't thinking realistically. I know that I'm still fairly young, but all I ever wanted from my life was to be happy. I don't need a ton of money, a huge house, many cars, etc.
Is it really that simple-minded of me to want to be happy with my family, friends, husband, kids, co-workers? To be happy with the job that I'm praying for?
There are so many people around me currently that do not want to see me happy. I started dating someone that makes me happy, but we found ourselves in situations where the people closest to us didn't want to see us succeed. Friendships were broken, trust was lost, and people felt betrayed.
Throughout these past months, I realized that I care too much about what other people think. I need to be selfish and let myself be happy. I know I can't rely on myself to get out of this situation so I need to rely on God.
Be happy.
Is it really that simple-minded of me to want to be happy with my family, friends, husband, kids, co-workers? To be happy with the job that I'm praying for?
There are so many people around me currently that do not want to see me happy. I started dating someone that makes me happy, but we found ourselves in situations where the people closest to us didn't want to see us succeed. Friendships were broken, trust was lost, and people felt betrayed.
Throughout these past months, I realized that I care too much about what other people think. I need to be selfish and let myself be happy. I know I can't rely on myself to get out of this situation so I need to rely on God.
Be happy.
» Waiting.
Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart - Alicia Keys.
Life is definitely not easy. Relationships are hard to maintain and I need to get my priorities straight.
Life is definitely not easy. Relationships are hard to maintain and I need to get my priorities straight.
» Changes.
I've gone noraebang [karaoke] about 6 times this past week and a half. Tupac is a genius - just sayin'.
Anyways, my life has been so hectic lately. Work is going okay. My family is still the same.. it still hurts me to see my grandmother acting the way she is lately. I just found out how close I was to being non-existent. 23 years and this is the first time I heard of the struggles that my grandmother went through to save her children from the Korean War. It's truly amazing how God provided so many opportunities and people to help them escape when almost all of their friends and family died.
. . .
Anyways, I've decided to make some life-changing decisions recently. For my health and well-being, but also for the sake of my future husband. I was having girl talk with someone whom I respect as an older sister. She told me that rather than trying to look for someone that's right for ME, I need to pray and ask God to help ME be the right person for someone. That really struck me - the idea that I should be focusing on becoming the right person for someone else.
This inspired me to start making some changes. Wish me luck! =)
Anyways, my life has been so hectic lately. Work is going okay. My family is still the same.. it still hurts me to see my grandmother acting the way she is lately. I just found out how close I was to being non-existent. 23 years and this is the first time I heard of the struggles that my grandmother went through to save her children from the Korean War. It's truly amazing how God provided so many opportunities and people to help them escape when almost all of their friends and family died.
. . .
Anyways, I've decided to make some life-changing decisions recently. For my health and well-being, but also for the sake of my future husband. I was having girl talk with someone whom I respect as an older sister. She told me that rather than trying to look for someone that's right for ME, I need to pray and ask God to help ME be the right person for someone. That really struck me - the idea that I should be focusing on becoming the right person for someone else.
This inspired me to start making some changes. Wish me luck! =)
» It takes TWO.
I heard this song for the first time yesterday when I was at church. I've been struggling a lot for the past few months with relationships. With friendships, with Sam, with my parents, and my family. I've realized that I let a lot of people down, but I also saw that my so-called friends have let me down as well. It takes TWO people to maintain a relationship. But I always blamed myself for any wrongdoings that might have happened.
Why am I always in the wrong? Why do I always have to watch what I say or do? Why do I always worry about offending the other person? Why do I always fuck up? The constant blame has created a self-destructive mindset for me. All the progress I made since high school seems to be swirling down a drain.
I think people are surprised when they really get to know me. I've been told I have a very sunny exterior. I'm always smiling, joking, or having fun. I thrive on other people's energy.
But when I go home and I'm all alone, I turn to wordly things. I've been in a drunken haze for the past 3 months. I went to a meeting at a local church but I felt out of place and just simply uncomfortable. Here are people that are battling their ACTUAL problems with alcohol. I'm some stupid little girl that drinks to numb pain that doesn't even compare to the pain that those people are feeling.
I feel stupid complaining to my friends about my problems because they seem so petty. I sound like a selfish brat. There's a lot of good things in my life and I *AM* thankful for, but there are also a lot of things that are constantly in my mind that wear me down.
Why am I always in the wrong? Why do I always have to watch what I say or do? Why do I always worry about offending the other person? Why do I always fuck up? The constant blame has created a self-destructive mindset for me. All the progress I made since high school seems to be swirling down a drain.
I think people are surprised when they really get to know me. I've been told I have a very sunny exterior. I'm always smiling, joking, or having fun. I thrive on other people's energy.
But when I go home and I'm all alone, I turn to wordly things. I've been in a drunken haze for the past 3 months. I went to a meeting at a local church but I felt out of place and just simply uncomfortable. Here are people that are battling their ACTUAL problems with alcohol. I'm some stupid little girl that drinks to numb pain that doesn't even compare to the pain that those people are feeling.
I feel stupid complaining to my friends about my problems because they seem so petty. I sound like a selfish brat. There's a lot of good things in my life and I *AM* thankful for, but there are also a lot of things that are constantly in my mind that wear me down.
» Bucket List 2010
After having dinner/drinks & semi-serious conversation with a friend the other night, I came to the realization that I care about what people think T O O M U C H. I take other peoples' opinions into too much consideration when it comes to the things that I want to do.
It somewhat inspired this post. I wanted to make some sort of a 'bucket list'. Not an extensive list of what I want to do before I die, but rather the things I want to accomplish/do before 2010 is over.
- Get my nose pierced. No rings because I'm not a cow, but just a teeny tiny stud.
- Get a tattoo. I am actually thinking of 2 already but now I just have to figure out where I want them and them get 'em done. This is going to happen fairly soon so be on the look out for some pictures. :]
- Go to a concert.
- Go apple picking. I miss Curtis Orchard in Champaign. :[
- Go to Michigan. I don't know why because I know not one soul in Michigan but I've never been and it's close enough to drive to.
- Go to California. I need to visit Myung Suk oppa, David, Eunice, Ester, etc.
- Go ice skating downtown.
- Learn how to play the drums.
Have a picnic before the weather gets too cold.Go to the library and read more.- Go to Wicked. [It's coming back to Chicago!]
- Volunteer more.
- Go to the Illinois homecoming game.
- Stop buying clothes and makeup. This is going to be really hard. :[
- Read the Bible more.
Go to the Botanic Gardens before the weather gets too cold.- Go to a Bears game! I really wanna go but I hear it's near impossible now. :[
- Go to a baseball game. Cubs, White Sox, Cardinals.. I don't care.
- Buy the Michael Kors watch I've been wanting and stop looking at cheaper imitations!!
- Write letters [not e-mails] to friends.
- Photoshoot with the family.
Get my cartilage re-pierced.- Photoshoot with orange crunchy leaves :]
- Build a snowman!
- Go snowboarding and/or stay at a resort. Drink hot chocolate by the fireplace.
- Record a song. Which would require me to learn how to play guitar properly. And sing. Dang it.
Quit my bad habits. They're starting to get out of control. . .Watch the stars outside and cuddle with someone. . . :]
 |
| just take a chance with me. . . |
It's quite a list but I plan on doing my best to complete these things. I guess I'll just have to refer back to this for the next 3 months. Wish me luck :] <3
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