I heard
this song for the first time yesterday when I was at church. I've been struggling a lot for the past few months with relationships. With friendships, with Sam, with my parents, and my family. I've realized that I let a lot of people down, but I also saw that my so-called friends have let me down as well. It takes TWO people to maintain a relationship. But I always blamed myself for any wrongdoings that might have happened.
Why am I always in the wrong? Why do I always have to watch what I say or do? Why do I always worry about offending the other person? Why do I always fuck up? The constant blame has created a self-destructive mindset for me. All the progress I made since high school seems to be swirling down a drain.
I think people are surprised when they really get to know me. I've been told I have a very sunny exterior. I'm always smiling, joking, or having fun. I thrive on other people's energy.
But when I go home and I'm all alone, I turn to wordly things. I've been in a drunken haze for the past 3 months. I went to a meeting at a local church but I felt out of place and just simply uncomfortable. Here are people that are battling their ACTUAL problems with alcohol. I'm some stupid little girl that drinks to numb pain that doesn't even compare to the pain that those people are feeling.
I feel stupid complaining to my friends about my problems because they seem so petty. I sound like a selfish brat. There's a lot of good things in my life and I *AM* thankful for, but there are also a lot of things that are constantly in my mind that wear me down.
Rescue - Desperation Band
You are the source of the life
I can’t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You
I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
Anyways, just as I said, it takes TWO to maintain a relationship. I have not been maintaining my relationship with God and that is simply 100% my fault. He is always patiently waiting for me to come back Him. I'm so undeserving of that sort of love but yet, He offers that to me.
Why? What miraculous thing have I done in my life to deserve that sort of undying love? What good deeds have I done that I deserve that sort of grace? What acts have I done to deserve His mercy?
Nothing.
I have done absolutely NOTHING
but JESUS laid down His own LIFE for me.
And that --
is more than enough.
Our God is great, our God is amazing. Yup. It does take two to maintain a relationship, but it also takes only one to destroy a relationship. What most of us as christians fail to realize, is that we tend to X out God from our relationship with others, and that just creates more frustration. Relationship with God first, and every other relationship must revolve around your relationship with God.
ReplyDeleteMany a times, we look to our inner-self, or towards God to answer these very questions that destroys our hearts, minds and souls. "What did I do wrong?" "Why do I deserve this?" and others like it. What we fail to notice is that these questions when dwelled upon, creates fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and heart-burdened. Why? Because satan has been whispering the questions to us, and it sounds so logically correct, that we choose to believe what satan says.
For extroverts, those who seek energy from others, will only get worse when by themselves. God made you this way, so you will take more time to seek God in your private time.
I talked too much as always;; I pray you will find refuge within God's arms, and that all you have is your happy-go-lucky charming smile!
=Do NOT be anxious about anything; but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God; and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil. 4:6-7 (i think.)
-Frank oppa