» It takes TWO.

I heard this song for the first time yesterday when I was at church. I've been struggling a lot for the past few months with relationships. With friendships, with Sam, with my parents, and my family. I've realized that I let a lot of people down, but I also saw that my so-called friends have let me down as well. It takes TWO people to maintain a relationship. But I always blamed myself for any wrongdoings that might have happened.

Why am I always in the wrong? Why do I always have to watch what I say or do? Why do I always worry about offending the other person? Why do I always fuck up? The constant blame has created a self-destructive mindset for me. All the progress I made since high school seems to be swirling down a drain.

I think people are surprised when they really get to know me. I've been told I have a very sunny exterior. I'm always smiling, joking, or having fun. I thrive on other people's energy.

But when I go home and I'm all alone, I turn to wordly things. I've been in a drunken haze for the past 3 months. I went to a meeting at a local church but I felt out of place and just simply uncomfortable. Here are people that are battling their ACTUAL problems with alcohol. I'm some stupid little girl that drinks to numb pain that doesn't even compare to the pain that those people are feeling.

I feel stupid complaining to my friends about my problems because they seem so petty. I sound like a selfish brat. There's a lot of good things in my life and I *AM* thankful for, but there are also a lot of things that are constantly in my mind that wear me down.

Rescue - Desperation Band
You are the source of the life
I can’t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

Anyways, just as I said, it takes TWO to maintain a relationship. I have not been maintaining my relationship with God and that is simply 100% my fault. He is always patiently waiting for me to come back Him. I'm so undeserving of that sort of love but yet, He offers that to me.

Why? What miraculous thing have I done in my life to deserve that sort of undying love? What good deeds have I done that I deserve that sort of grace? What acts have I done to deserve His mercy?

Nothing.

I have done absolutely NOTHING
but JESUS laid down His own LIFE for me.

And that --
is more than enough.

» Bucket List 2010

After having dinner/drinks & semi-serious conversation with a friend the other night, I came to the realization that I care about what people think T O O  M U C H. I take other peoples' opinions into too much consideration when it comes to the things that I want to do.

It somewhat inspired this post. I wanted to make some sort of a 'bucket list'. Not an extensive list of what I want to do before I die, but rather the things I want to accomplish/do before 2010 is over.

• Get my nose pierced. No rings because I'm not a cow, but just a teeny tiny stud.
• Get a tattoo. I am actually thinking of 2 already but now I just have to figure out where I want them and them get 'em done. This is going to happen fairly soon so be on the look out for some pictures. :]
• Go to a concert.
• Go apple picking. I miss Curtis Orchard in Champaign. :[
• Go to Michigan. I don't know why because I know not one soul in Michigan but I've never been and it's close enough to drive to.
• Go to California. I need to visit Myung Suk oppa, David, Eunice, Ester, etc.
• Go ice skating downtown. 
• Learn how to play the drums.
• Have a picnic before the weather gets too cold.
• Go to the library and read more.
• Go to Wicked. [It's coming back to Chicago!]
• Volunteer more.
• Go to the Illinois homecoming game.
• Stop buying clothes and makeup. This is going to be really hard. :[
• Read the Bible more.
• Go to the Botanic Gardens before the weather gets too cold.
• Go to a Bears game! I really wanna go but I hear it's near impossible now. :[
• Go to a baseball game. Cubs, White Sox, Cardinals.. I don't care.
• Buy the Michael Kors watch I've been wanting and stop looking at cheaper imitations!!
• Write letters [not e-mails] to friends.
• Photoshoot with the family.
• Get my cartilage re-pierced.
• Photoshoot with orange crunchy leaves :]
• Build a snowman!
• Go snowboarding and/or stay at a resort. Drink hot chocolate by the fireplace.
• Record a song. Which would require me to learn how to play guitar properly. And sing. Dang it.
• Quit my bad habits. They're starting to get out of control. . .  
• Watch the stars outside and cuddle with someone. . . :] 

just take a chance with me. . .

It's quite a list but I plan on doing my best to complete these things. I guess I'll just have to refer back to this for the next 3 months. Wish me luck :] <3